Jessica Moorhouse investigates.

As I was wandering aimlessly through Parsons Green one day, I happened to stumble across a quaint looking butcher’s, appropriately named Parsons Nose. Now, before I go on, I’d quite like to point out that walking past a butchers shop does not usually send my taste buds into a frenzy. But, in this case, the sweet wafting smells of the plump looking pies on offer in the window wooed my nostrils and inevitably lured me into the store. What can I say, I’m a thoroughbred northerner, and I love ma pies.

The shop is run by three rather cheery and exceptionally friendly butchers, Bruce, Jason and Phillip. On this particular day, I was chatting to Jason, connoisseur in both the art of butchering and chat up lines. I don’t know if it was down to the secret potions oozing out of the pies, or Jason’s welcoming personality, but either way, I ended up enrolling myself onto their bespoke butchering course. When I first told my friends of my new adventure, the general reaction was a sustained fit of giggles and sheer disbelief. I suppose I am 5 foot 4, have blonde hair, along with a well proportioned chest size, which hardly cries out Fred Elliott. Either way, unfazed by the brickbats, I marched through the wooden doors a few days later, with a determined state of mind to cut me up some meat.

The course has been running for just over three years now, which should hopefully reassure any sceptical readers that you are in more than capable hands. It attracts both women and men of all different ages, though there is a negotiable age restriction due to the incredibly sharp knives they use, along with a rather alarming safety briefing of ‘if you pull the knife inwards and accidently slice your groin here, you’ll have approximately two and a half minutes to live.’

Taking note from his safety demonstration, I soon learn that Jason does not like to take things slowly, and we dive straight into the sawing of a lamb’s carcass. All the meat we use has already been drained of blood and hung, which eliminates any cute “Mary had a little lamb” like sentiments of which I sang so fondly when I was a little girl. Besides, I am completely focused on getting through the last bit of bone before my arm falls off; butchering requires a lot of elbow juice. Cue Jason, or should I say Patrick Swayze, who offers to lend me a helping hand. At first gracious, it soon dawns on me I have unwittingly taken on the role of Demi Moore. And so we power on, hand on hand, cutting through that last pesky piece of bone, while simultaneously recreating the iconic clay love scene. Sadly, the reality of the scene serves to be disappointing in the small kitchen of Parsons Nose. Perhaps it would have been more successful if we’d been cutting a piece of chicken instead. Maybe my Demi impersonation just didn’t cut the mustard. I doubt I’ll ever know.

All jokes aside now, I can now proudly boast to those doubting friends of my new found ability of being able to handle the fleshy body of a chicken in the uncanny style Edward Scissor Hands. Expertly, I can snip away at it to reveal perfectly plump fillets, chewy drum sticks, and even little butterfly sticks. More importantly, I am left with an overwhelming sense of pride, to see that only a pound of chicken left-overs have been forfeited to the bin. I regard this as the ultimate sign of respect to an animal that has been purposely raised to feed us. Among other culinary skills I learnt were how to check kidneys for bacteria, how to angle the knife in order to cut the meat correctly (words cannot express how difficult a technique that is to master), how to tie up lamb fillets to ensure the moisture stays in when cooked and an assortment of truly delicious marinade recipes.

The course is truly a credit to ‘Parsons Nose’. They open up every inch of their store and allow you to explore all the aspects of their butchering process, making sure no question goes unanswered. Personally, I found the greatest outcome of the day was knowing that the four, bulging bags of carefully butchered meat I left with, will ensure that I won’t have to put up with the pre-packed offerings in the supermarkets. When Jason explained the cruel treatment of animals in regards to factory farming and the effect it has on meat, such as it shrinking when cooked due to the water weight, I thought to myself it’s no wonder so many people opt for vegetarianism these days. Small nuggets of information like this, I feel are far more disturbing than any of the chopping I’ve done today. Therefore, it is reassuring to know Parsons Nose only deals with farmers who treat their animals with respect. And yes, I must admit there were times when it got a tad too gory for my liking, but as soon as Jason caught wind of this, he stepped in, and we swiftly moved on to another subject. I would recommend this course to anyone.